A Shapeless Art

Let’s talk about family.

I apologize. I don’t think I will be able to do that.

But why?

It's strange to say I don’t even know why. It's not like I haven't questioned this to myself for years, but every time I failed to find the answer. It’s like my mind goes completely blank when I think of the word "family". It feels as if someone inside me doesn’t want to talk about it. Maybe that part is scared. Maybe it doesn’t have the slightest clue. Maybe it’s just confused. There are a lot of maybes, making it difficult to understand it all.

But what if there's nothing to be scared of?

I'm not in a position to decide what's scary and what isn't.
Living with trauma paralyzes you within. It feels like an internal shutdown, a complete freeze, and that's what makes me terrified and family-phobic. When the protectors become the rivals, life becomes a dirty game, and you can only survive if you know how to play along. Maybe hiding from reality became the only survival skill my shadow self could learn, giving it more power and control over me.

How is that survival skill?

Hiding from the danger has always been a defense mechanism for humanity. That’s why the mind, in its fear, buries the truth deep inside, thinking it’s protecting the soul. That’s how it keeps me alive.

Alive! Is it?

Yes? Maybe?
But there's an emptiness inside, a void screaming to be filled.
It's like something is missing, not just one thing, but many.

Lost.

Yes, that's the word. I feel lost.
It’s strange to experience a loss without being lost. You have something, but at the same time, you don’t.
I don't know if any of this making any sense, but it's all I can piece together. 

. . .

After all these years, I've gotten closer to understanding the what's happening, but I'm still figuring out how to break through it.

Do you hate them?

I don’t like my family, but I can't say I hate them either.
When I look closely, I can see they've suffered too. They come from a place burned down to ashes. It feels like the only thing they own from the past is "ashes", passing it down from generations like a divine legacy, unknowingly. Maybe that's why a part of me holds sympathy for them which stops me from being resentful or vengeful toward them. But at the same time, if they're dragging me down into their misery, it becomes impossible to like them.
I feel like people would shame or blame me for having such a villainous perception of my own family, but how can I explain a taste of someone who's never tried it?
I'm just stuck in this endless cycle.

The Dilemma of Love and Hate.

*****

NOTE:

It is essential to heal from trauma caused by external and internal chaos. If you look closely, you’ll find that these two forces are not so separate from each other. Over time, they become intertwined. It's not only the cruelty of the world but also the internal turmoil that keeps the trauma alive, forcing us to relive it. This creates an infinite loop of suffering unless we consciously choose to break it. When external storms push their way inside, and internal chaos exceeds its limits, they meet at a single point. At that moment, they lose their individuality and become one. It's hard to notice when this happens, but it's wrong to assume it never does. What do you do when something so overwhelming emerges? Leaving it unchecked allows it to wreak havoc wherever it goes, causing irreversible damage (think of cases like Jeffrey Dahmer). 

Revenge, whether on others or oneself, might feel understandable, but it’s never justifiable. It offers only short-term relief, a fleeting sense of achievement, pleasure, or control, but it doesn’t fortify the foundation of who you are. As you carry the painful baggage of the past and walk alongside multiple selves throughout your unpredictable journey, the only road that can make your pain bearable is the one that leads to responsibility. Responsibility transforms trauma into power, enabling you to leave behind the parts of you that no longer serve you. Voluntarily accepting responsibility prepares you for doors that haven’t opened yet and allows you to close the doors to your tragic past. Could taking on responsibility be the antidote to suffering?

"No matter what has occurred in your life up to this point,

it should have no bearing at all on how you live from now on."

- Alfred Adler

To be continued...